It Used To Be Me
by WeBuiltThePyramids
Summary: Part of Penny is relieved that she can't spend time with Leonard anymore.  Because when she watches him and Priya it's just too much to take. Set in the final third of season four. Mentions of Leonard/Priya and Leonard/Penny.


**I'm going to be updating The Surrogate Paradox soon, hopefully, but I'm suffering from awful writer's block right now and pounding out oneshots helps me fix that. I also have a oneshot for Joni that I really need to get on, but that's going to require a lot of concentration so I have to wait for my inspiration to come back before I can tackle that, too.**

**So here's one for you – Penny angst, unbeta'd. Set between The Prestidigitation Approximation and The Roommate Transmogrification. I don't own anything.**

Part of Penny was relieved that Priya's demands had caused her to hardly ever see Leonard anymore.

At first she hadn't been. At first she'd been a little bit angry and a little bit sad. Okay, maybe more than a little bit sad. She'd cried in the car on the way to work the day they'd said good-bye. She'd had to re – do her makeup in the bathroom before going out to wait the tables. And that night, she was halfway across the hall before she realized that she wasn't welcome for dinner.

Then she'd been frustrated. She realized after being told to stay away that she hadn't ever gotten over Leonard. Although she'd been on dates since then, she'd always spent time with him, played Halo, done laundry, and had dinner in his apartment. She knew one wasn't over someone until they could go a long period of time without seeing them and without the lack of contact metaphorically killing them. They'd never had that period of separation. She'd remained at his side and they'd continued much as before. Sheldon was right, it was only the intimacy that had stopped. Being around him was fulfilling enough that Penny was able to pretend – without faltering until the night of the slumber party – that she was moving on.

But she hadn't. And maybe she could fool the guys, but not Bernadette or Amy. They saw right through her.

She hated that.

But at the same time it felt good to know that someone understood. And her girls knew that their breakup hadn't been due to fights or incompatibility or waning feelings. It had been stupid, completely her fault, and yes, now she was jealous that he was dating the beautiful Indian woman with a high education and gorgeous complexion and all those other things that made Penny angry just to see her.

Still, it frustrated her because she couldn't sit in the same room as him, she ask to try his food and she couldn't just be there and enjoy his company. She missed the guys too, missed their meals together and missed their nerdy conversations, but if she'd been told she could only see one of them again for the rest of her life, it would have been no contest. And being forbidden – _forbidden_ – to see someone that she hadn't moved past yet drove Penny absolutely crazy.

But then he'd called her to come and get him and the guys when his car broke down, and they'd gossiped a bit about this and that, and she realized that they weren't completely cut off from each other. When they'd first broken up, Leonard had said "we're neighbors. We're gonna run into each other," and that was exactly right. They were bound to talk, do laundry at the same time, and run into each other on the stairs. And if Penny had to make do with that then she would, because anything was better than never seeing him at all.

Then there was the morning. The morning when she had woken up and realized that any time she'd be spending with Leonard in his apartment was time that Priya would be there, too. And when they were together, Penny had to watch them; of course she did, because ever since Priya showed up Penny found herself unable to look away from Leonard unless actively talking to somebody else.

And when Priya was there, Leonard was smiling at her, touching her, and kissing her.

When Leonard smiled at Priya, Penny remembered how gorgeous and loving his eyes looked when they fondly held _her_ gaze. She remembered each time he'd looked at _her_ like that, his warm smile and that affectionate light in his eyes that just _showed_ that the feelings were there. Penny knew that look and it screamed _there is no one else in this room_ and she hated that it wasn't trained on her.

She comforted herself by convincing her brain and heart that it didn't look quite as natural when those eyes and that smile aimed at Raj's sister.

When Leonard touched Priya's arm, or her knee, or rested on her back, Penny could almost feel that hand on her own body. He'd rested his palm on _her_ arm, _her_ knee, and _her_ back more times than anyone could count squared, and she knew exactly what Priya felt through those stupid pantsuits. She knew, without seeing his thumb, that it was gently rubbing the side of Priya's knee. She knew exactly when he was squeezing Priya's arm. And she knew exactly where on Priya's back he let his hand rest. Because he had done all of that to her.

She comforted herself by noting that Priya never leaned into any of his caresses. They never cuddled on the couch. She never put her head on his shoulder. He never ran off and made _her_ a snowflake.

When Leonard kissed Priya hello, good-bye, or good-night, Penny remembered how each time he gave her anything more than a peck her knees would go weak and she'd either have to put a hand on the couch or doorknob for balance or he'd have to put his hands on her waist or back so her knees wouldn't buckle. God, that Cat had never died, it hadn't even coughed or hiccupped the entire time they dated and each time they'd kissed, right down to the last time, she'd feel that spark just take over her entire body and she knew that _that_ didn't happen with every guy.

She comforted herself by noting that Priya never moved a hand or a foot when she and Leonard kissed. She always smiled afterward, but Penny didn't care much about that. Leonard was a good kisser. But She was confident that Priya didn't feel what Penny had.

Somewhat confidant, anyway. As long as Leonard and Priya were dating, Penny could never be totally content. They did have things in common. They did laugh at the same jokes. And he clearly enjoyed spending time with her.

Maybe Priya didn't have to feel what Penny had felt. Maybe Priya thought what she was feeling was _it_, there wasn't anywhere else to go and no new levels of intensity to reach. Maybe Penny's inability to verbally display love had made Leonard wary of feeling anything more. Maybe Leonard felt safe with Priya.

And that was when the relief came. The morning when Penny realized that not being around Leonard meant not being around Leonard and Priya. And that _that_ meant she didn't have to watch Priya get looked at, touched, and kissed by the guy that Penny felt a deeper connection with than any of the other closer – to – thirty – one – guys – than – she'd – ever – admit.

Now, at least, she wouldn't have to be so cruelly reminded of what she no longer had. Instead of watching him treat Priya the way he was, she could close her eyes, drift off, and remember when he was doing those things to her.


End file.
